Intimacy With Another
(Excerpt from: Sacred Sexuality–A Manual for Living Bliss by: Michael Mirdad)

*Page 2*

Lubricants

Lubricants, as the name implies, are used for their lubricating abilities during manual pleasuring or intercourse. The primary goal of a lubricant is to create smooth contact and prevent irritation to the skin. Lubricants are also chosen for their flavored, edible qualities. Lubricants, however, are not all created equal. There are essentially four common types of lubricants: water-based, silicone-based, oil-based, and petroleum-based. The first two (water or silicone-based) are safe to use with condoms and other rubber products. The latter two (oil or petroleum-based) are not safe with rubber products. Of course, some people prefer to use saliva. But saliva can spread viral or bacterial infections-especially in women who are prone to urinary tract and genital infections. Each type of lubricant has benefits, as well as potential drawbacks.

Before choosing a lubricant, first decide whether or not you will be using any rubber products (such as gloves, condoms, and diaphragms). If so, avoid oil and petroleum-based lubricants, as they will break down the rubber, rendering it unsafe as protection. Also, when using any form of lubricant, first pour it on your hands and rub it until it’s warm. Then apply it a little at a time to your partner’s genitals.

Water-based lubricants are fun to apply; they won’t stain the sheets; they are easily washed from the skin; they can be used with latex condoms; and they are often flavored for better taste. The major drawback is that water-based products tend to dry up quickly or become sticky. Therefore it’s necessary to keep reapplying-especially if the application is used for long durations. The water-based lubrications on the market vary, but the most well-known are K-Y Jelly and Astroglide. If you prefer flavored lubricants, try l-D Juicy Lube, as it comes in a variety of flavors.

Silicone-based lubricants are, in most respects, similar to water-based lubricants. Yet they retain their lubricating properties longer than waterbased lubricants. So a little goes a long way. Like water-based lubricants, silicone will not harm latex, as will oil or petroleum-based lubricants. Yet they can harm sex toys that are made of silicone. So do not mix the two. Silicone-based lubricants are completely waterproof, making them ideal for underwater use.

Oil-based lubricants are usually made from natural products, such as vegetable oils (olive or corn) and nut oils (peanut). Oil-based lubricants, like petroleum-based lubricants, tend to stain fabrics and can be difficult to wash off but are safer to use inside the vagina. Oil-based lubricants destroy latex, so they should never be used with condoms or other rubber materials. Otherwise, oil-based lubricants are good for intercourse, anal sex, and genital pleasuring. Most oil-based lubricants are available in supermarkets, making them easier to find than the fancier lubricants found only in sex shops.

Petroleum-based lubricants are great, in that each application lasts much longer than water-based lubricants, making them easier on the skin. The drawbacks are that, unlike water-based lubricants, petroleum-based jells break down the latex in gloves or condoms; they stain fabrics; they are very difficult to wash off; and of course, they don’t taste very good. Petroleum-based lubricants include Vaseline products and baby oil. However, the extra thickness of petroleum-based lubricants makes them a perfect choice to use when massaging the clitoris, which tends to be hypersensitive to direct touch.

Cleansing

For the sake and safety of cleanliness and good hygiene, make bathing or showering together a major part of foreplay. Such cleansings offer an opportunity to introduce bath gels or essential oils. The resulting scent and feeling of being clean and fresh are wonderful, soothing aphrodisiacs. Cleaning and preparing the body for lovemaking can be seen as acts of self-love arising from a sense of self-worth. Such care and preparation are also statements about the importance of your lover. The ancients were detailed in their descriptions of how to wash and perfume the body. They considered washing to be symbolic of self-purification-not unlike a baptism. Aside from the symbolism of cleansing, washing each other’s body provides quality, physical contact. In so doing, lovers become more intimately aware of each other’s anatomy. Besides, lightly scented, slippery skin feels wonderful.

Grooming

Some Taoist schools teach that a shaved yoni awakens the memory and vitality of youthfulness. Among practitioners of sacred sex, trimming or completely shaving pubic hair is a common practice. A freshly shaved, smooth yoni, for example, can bring added pleasure to both partners during intercourse or oral sex. It permits a warm and sensual, skin-to-skin contact and connection. A shaved yoni is more sensitive during lovemaking or at any other moment of the day. Once it’s shaved, the yoni must be kept smoothly shaved to prevent stubble burns on a partner’s genitals. The shaved or trimmed pubic hair around a penis also enhances pleasure. Some men prefer trimming simply because it makes the penis appear larger.

Cleansing the Body

Although most individuals are not conscious of the condition of their own breath, this is certainly something that can “make or break” an intimate moment-even before there is actual contact. Notice how, in the movies, someone who is expecting a date, quickly checks his (or her) breath. Unfortunately, some individuals and cultures aren’t very conscientious about such matters. What they fail to realize is that bad breath is not only a “turnoff” but is also a possible sign of poor health or an unclean mouth. One of the best remedies is to thoroughly brush and floss your teeth regularly. It’s also wise to use peroxide and mouthwash to clean and disinfect. Even if it feels awkward to discuss bad breath, communication on this matter is essential since honesty is an important part of intimacy.

Summary and Conclusion: Now for the Best Part

Imagine for a moment how your life (and sexual experiences) might have been different if you had been taught the concepts of sacred sexuality when you were a teenager. Chances are you will agree that your life would have been very different.

The more you integrate and practice the concepts taught, the more your life will change. You will have moments where you feel ecstatically alive and in harmony with your sexuality-a vital key to your health and well-being. Reading the conclusion of this book can coincide with a new beginning for you. So allow the application and integration of this material to take you from knowledge in your mind to awareness in your soul. You will then emerge more spiritually connected and physically alive.

What is really so heartbreaking is that God has been with me all along, And I simply avoided His Presence. Yet now I can feel Him inside my heart, as closely as I feel my partner.
-Valerie Brooks (Tantric Awakening)

As you learn to balance and integrate the spiritual and physical aspects of your being, you will reach a level of empowerment of which most people only dream. You may find that others are attracted to you on various levels, so remember to maintain your center. Instead of responding to every attraction to or from others, empower them by being true to yourself. Demonstrate how to be loving, sensual, and passionate, yet responsible. Show others it is possible to be fully alive in your body without compromising your soul. Let others know that you see the wonderful qualities in them, as well as in yourself. You can choose to occasionally share your love and passion with others, but be clear that they must earn the right to touch your body (as you must earn the right to touch theirs). The body is the temple of the soul. It is sacred. You are sacred!

Throughout this book there have been reminders that, although the content speaks of sexuality, its goal is not sex, in and of itself. Ultimately, this book uses sex as a metaphor for spiritual connection or, at the least, as an arena for such a connection. The intent is not to get you more caught-up in your body, your senses or shallow pleasures. In truth, you are not and do not have a body. If you really did, your body would rule and limit you, but it does not, even though most of us believe to the contrary. Since you are not a body, sacred sexuality urges you to expand your awareness, connection, and understanding of who and what you are. Through use of the body, you are urged to discover a love and peace that surpasses the body’s comprehension.

We are glorious, spiritual beings capable of experiencing bliss beyond the body’s ability to contain. Therefore, all the thoughts, words, exercises, and techniques in this book, which seem to focus on the body and its sensations, are but the momentary honoring of the physical illusion. In other words, this material merely uses the body and sexuality as means for remembering the truth of the spirit. The sacred sexual experience becomes an arena in which to be playful, spontaneous, nonjudgmental, and above all, loving. This happens to be a perfect description for living a Divine embodiment. Sacred sexuality therefore returns us to the Garden of Eden, where we unite our hearts and souls with other people who are on the same journey Home. The sacred sexual experience is really about a remembrance that we are the embodiment of the Love behind, and beyond, lovemaking.

Communicating and Connecting

Communication, especially about rules and intent, is vital for any intimate relationship or encounter. In fact, communication is so important that, for partners who are just getting to know each other, it’s even more crucial than setting the environment. Good communication also assists in creating an even better mood and environment. Clarity of intent is required within you before you can share your intentions with friends and selected lovers.

Setting “rules of engagement” provides greater safety and responsibility in any relationship but is especially necessary for intimate relations. All partners must have a clear awareness of (and be in agreement with) the intent, rules, and boundaries of a sacred sexual encounter. If more couples would demonstrate the maturity and responsibility to discuss and agree upon some rules before they engage in sexual contact (and stick to these agreements), it would greatly contribute to their emotional health and safety. Even healthy forms of domination and submission sex-play always exhibit clear boundaries, involve no excessive pain (or worse), and occur between individuals who hold love and responsibility as their focus.

The following are examples of areas where “rules of engagement” should be established. Each person or couple can add or subtract from this list to fit preferences and lifestyles.

1. Whether or not to use birth control.
2. Whether or not to have any unprotected genital contact.
3. How far and how fast the experience will go-or the relationship for that matter.
4. What will be done in the event of an accidental pregnancy.
5. Sharing history of STD’s.
6. Whether or not it’s okay to have an orgasm in your partner’s mouth.
7. Where you stand with each other emotionally.

Discussing Safe Sex

There are at least two forms of safety that should be considered when discussing “safe sex.” The first form involves physical safety and health considerations. The second, involves emotional safety, the importance of which cannot be overstated-especially if a person has any history of sexual trauma.

The need for safe sex and the perilous alternatives have many people paralyzed with fear concerning sexual activity. The issue is worsened by the fact that the so-called “experts” do not seem to agree on the causes and cures of many of the sexually transmittable diseases. However, with a little understanding of STD’s, individuals can become empowered to make healthy choices concerning their sexuality.

Generally, the concept of physically safe sex involves the avoidance of exchanging body fluids-unless you are in a monogamous relationship and both partners have tested free of STD’s. If you are not in such a relationship, then it’s best to either abstain from sex altogether or have sensual contact without fluid exchange. Since these choices are not preferable to most individuals, the best way to avoid contracting or transferring STD’s (including the HIV virus) when having full contact is to use a condom-preferably coated with spermicide containing Nonoxynol-9.

Some of the most common (but not fatal) STD’s include the following:

o CHLAMYDIA-a contagious bacterial infection that is easily cleared up with medication.
o GENITAL WARTS-a contagious viral infection that appears as warts in the genital region. It can be managed effectively with medicine, but medical science has no known cure.
o GENITAL HERPES-is a contagious viral infection that appears as painful blisters in the genital region. It can be managed effectively with medicine, but medical science has no known cure.
o HEPATITIS B and HEPATITIS C are two different viruses that (in a small percentage of people) can be sexually transmitted and create long term, recurrent liver disease. Hepatitis C can be fatal over time, but
many individuals continue to survive for long periods.

Communicating Your Needs

During lovemaking, there should be constant communication between partners. If you are being pleasured, and a specific touch feels good, let your partner know. The same applies for something that does not feel good. When learning to pleasure your partner, ask plenty of questions about his or her likes and dislikes, preferences and boundaries. Your partner can respond with physical movements, verbal replies or moans.

When I am…able to share what I am truly feeling, my entire body and breath come alive. My body responds to my courage and the truth, it vibrates, it pulsates, it trembles. This makes me…realize that I am not really being vulnerable to another but rather to myself.
-Diana Richardson (The Heart of Tantric Sex)

Using Communication to Maintain and Increase Arousal

The more you communicate with the partner you are pleasuring, the more willing he or she will be to surrender. You earn your partner’s trust partly through your confidence, skill, attention, creativity, and clear intent. It’s up to you to get what you want from your lover. Other than communicating needs, the person being pleasured should do very little-except for relaxing and letting go. Although communication skills come into play even before you make physical contact, their importance continues throughout an encounter-until, of course, the two partners no longer need words to communicate. Up to that point, each partner should personally demonstrate to the other how and where he or she would like to be touched, with how much pressure, and for how long. Learning to sense when to add stimulation and when to back off makes you a better lover and a better person. This level of sensitivity means connecting with your lover at levels you may have never known. You may think you are two bodies simply having sex (the biological equivalent to nerve stimulation), but in reality, you are two souls connecting (the spiritual equivalent of returning to Eden).

Breathing and Toning: The Two Become One

If you choose to experiment with toning, do not attempt to a musical note, nor should you think of this as chanting “Ohmmm.” With toning there is no specific sound. Begin by taking a deep breath, and then on your exhale simply hum a sound. But try to match sounds between you and your partner. As your mouths slowly open, you will discover that the hum gradually grows louder. Eventually, as you match each other, the sound begins to reverberate back and forth between the two of you, creating a sense of oneness. There are two primary styles of breathing for a couple to share-these are “synchronized breathing” and “alternate breathing.” With synchronized breathing, or breathing in sync with your partner, you both inhale and exhale at the same time. This type of breathing is intended to increase connection, rather than arousal. Synchronized breathing is also an effective tool for facilitating the transfer of energy from one partner to the other. With alternate breathing, one partner inhales as the other exhales and vice versa. As with synchronized breathing, this breathing is beneficial when added to exercises that include the transfer of energy from one partner to the other.

Kissing and Mouthplay

Most people consider the lips to be an erogenous zone that is responsive as well as capable of evoking a response. In the art of face reading, the lips are seen as symbolizing the genital region of the body. The upper lip is considered by Tantrists to be a special erogenous zone for a woman, since it has an invisible channel, or meridian, linking it directly to the clitoris. Notice how common it is for advertisers to use the image of a woman licking her upper lip and how seductive this image appears. The same is true for the lower lip of a man. Kissing is a highly sensual experience for the body and soul. The forms and styles of kissing range from a simple, quick peck on the lips or cheek to the deepest passionate exchange.

When kissing your lover’s mouth, be playful and explore. Kiss each lip separately; kiss gently and lovingly and then intensely and passionately; kiss for a few seconds and for twenty minutes; kiss with eyes open and closed.

Hands-on Contact

It is believed that the brain is the most sensitive erogenous zone mainly because this is where we receive pleasure signals. Yet the skin is a companion to the brain in the developmental stages of a fetus. It is also a sensitive erogenous zone because the skin is the message gatherer for the brain. The body is completely covered by the sensitive skin that has millions of sensors capable of sending whispers of pleasure to the brain. Therefore, the entire body is an erogenous zone that is highly responsive to touch. When a person yearns to be touched, it surfaces in the body as something called tumescence. Tumescence awakens slight pulsing contractions of muscles in the body and awakens the various endocrine glands.

The ancient practitioners of sacred sexuality taught five forms of physical touch: stroking, pinching, scratching, tapping, and squeezing. Each of these can vary in combination, speed, and pressure. Also, in the art or practice of sacred sexuality, there are three levels, or depths, of touching and contact:

1. Massaging touch-contacts the body’s tissues at various depths.
2. Internal touch-penetrates a body with the fingers, hands, tongue, and penis.
3. Energetic touch-has no physical contact with the body, but still evokes a response.

Sensual Massage

There are several forms of intimate, sensual massage that can create incredible pleasure for lovers. In general, the best way to give a sensual, arousing massage is to rub or tickle the body in the direction of the genitals. When massaging, energizing, or licking your lover, give added attention to the curve of the back (especially on a woman). Stimulating this region can, in itself, arouse the genitals and lubricate the yoni. Sensual massage is not meant to have the same affects on the body as a deep body massage. A sensual massage focuses on making connection, creating trust, and stimulating a greater sense of sexual anticipation between lovers.

When giving a sensual massage, remain aware of any subtle shifts that take place in either you or your partner. Be sure to encourage feedback. Additionally, instead of using only hands for massaging, try using your forearms as well. To add playfulness and stimulation, try using blindfolds and use more than just hands to massage your partner. Use your breasts, hair, and genitals, along with provocative dialog.

Other tips to ensure a sensuous, satisfying massage experience include the following:
1. The longer and more subtle the stroke, the more erotic and stimulating the sensation. On the other hand, the deeper, shorter strokes tend to sedate and calm.
2. Take your time.
3. Take turns in the active and passive role.
4. Arouse the whole body before reaching for the genitals.
5. After building arousal (tumescence) by stimulating the primary erogenous zones, use the less excitable parts of the body to bring your partner back down (de-tumescence).

Energetic Massage

Energy massaging is different from other forms of massage. Unlike a more traditional massage, there is little or no contact with the skin. Instead, the person giving the massage works with the energy emitted from the body of the person receiving, to awaken the energy systems of the person receiving the energy-work. The purpose of an energy massage is to arouse and entice your partner into wanting more of you and what you are offering. This is accomplished through a combination of intent, energy movement, hand placement, and sensual dialog-your personal tools of seduction.

Learning to Relax, Receive and Surrender

There are times when we need to stop doing and just receive-stop “efforting” and just relax. The act of relaxing and receiving may be hard if you have been conditioned to “take care” of others or if you are distracted by a goal of orgasm. Learning to receive is a powerful means of healing issues of unworthiness. We usually experience love most fully when it’s offered by someone we trust. When receiving nurturance from our partners, we experience shades of Love Divine.

If you desire an ecstatic experience, remember that the more you relax, the more you can feel. As you deepen your level of relaxation, you will also increase your ability to absorb the sexual energy deeply into the cells of your body. Relaxing, in this context, does not imply becoming sleepy or lazy, but rather peaceful, calm, tension-free, and invigorated. Achieving this level of relaxation is difficult if you are busy or too distracted with intense movements or fatigue and physical discomforts.

Manually Pleasuring Others

This section describes techniques for stimulating men and women to the point of orgasm or even multiple orgasms. It cannot be overemphasized that for most individuals (but not all) achieving orgasms, especially multiple orgasms, involves a process that takes time and is often not accomplished during the first few attempts. The inability to reach multiple orgasms without months or years of learning and healing does not mean an individual is less sexual or passionate than the person for whom that process is easier. More time and persistence may be needed for some individuals because of genetics, anatomical and physiological variations, personal inhibitions, or physical and emotional traumas.

The proper technique for manually pleasuring (masturbating) another involves far more than the quick and heavy-handed practices of the clumsy learning stages that some people never outgrow. This is not to say that manual stimulation must always be in your love chamber or that it must always be given an hour to accomplish. There is certainly something to be said about spontaneous pleasuring or intercourse in the form of a playful “quickie.” However, time should also be provided for lengthier sessions, which offer results that a quickie could never match. The most powerful forms of manually pleasuring another person to orgasm require an extended amount of attention on the person with whom you are working. If done well, hand stimulating another person is an art form in itself. For example, a woman should touch a penis in a fashion that communicates she has found a “pot of gold.” Her touch should demonstrate that the act of stimulating her lover’s penis arouses her as well. The same principle applies to a man making contact with a woman’s yoni. Unfortunately, most often a man touches a woman’s yoni with a desire to follow through to intercourse or to prove his sexual skills at stimulating his lover. Instead, he should take
his time and attentively touch all sections of his lover’s yoni with his hands, conveying the message that each part gives him pleasure.

Increase the pleasuring experience by learning how to bring your partner up to an ecstatic peak (without cumming) and then down slightly, only to repeat the process again and again. The best tools for enhancing pleasure are a loving, caring heart, knowledge of proper pleasuring techniques, and
intuitive instincts. Another effective tool for enhancing pleasure involves the ability to alter the sexual experience through conscious intention-the “power of the mind.”

A good way to discover the kind of strokes your partner likes is to ask him or her if you may watch them do self-pleasuring so you can learn from what they do. Your partner can also take your hand and guide you through their favorite technique. Once you tune-in to the energetic flow between you and your partner, you’ll be able to alter the intensity of, and responses to, stimulation-seemingly at will. When you are in this zone of heightened awareness, you can use conscious intent to increase the level of arousal. Then, whenever you choose, you can decrease the arousal as well. Again, this kind of connection takes concentration and loving intent. By focusing completely on your partner, you will be able to connect on deeper levels throughout the sexual experience.

When you are finished pleasuring, gradually bring your partner down (known as de-tumescing) with grounding exercises. Let your partner know what you are doing, as you slightly increase the amount of hand pressure and/or by slowing down the strokes. After a few minutes of de-tumescing the pleasuring process, place one hand over your partner’s pubic bone (the bone beneath the pubic hair) and press firmly for a few minutes. Then place one hand over your partner’s heart center (mid-breastbone) and press firmly. Or do both hand placements simultaneously. There are times when you will consciously bring your partner completely down. Yet, at other times, you might bring him or her down to a plateau with the intent of coming back up. In the event that your partner experiences shaking at any time during the pleasuring, reassure them that these spasms are the body’s way of processing and channeling the ecstatic, orgasmic energy. In time, most people become accustomed to these surges, and the tremors often relax into deep waves.

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